Origination Point Chapter 1

why do I want to grow? what is my 'why'?

To leave the world better than I found it - to be at the service of the Lord, goodness, joy and humanity. To help. 

FREEDOM

what behaviors do I want to change?

Selfishness & Lust. 

INVESTING IN MIND

what emotion(s) do I want to feel or change?

Shame and Blame. 

GRATITUDE, AND CHANGE NO EMOTIONS.

what is the minds favorite story? 

Waste Of Space... specially bad. 

SATGURU 

Home Depot, The Gym, Getting Set & Essex County

Researching academic programs feels joyous one moment, and like a perverse, sadistic kind of sentencing the next. Though I don't lend so much credence to the imagery that flashes in my mind, the last two are a tad disconcerting. In one, I'm in some furniture-less New Jersey suburban home I presumably own - weeping with a gun in my mouth. The open laptop filled with work for my online degree is the only light glowing in the otherwise empty space. In the next I'm at a joyous graduation from university, I turn to my mother and nearly scream: "Are you happy now?!"; the last words before going to live carefree under a bridge. 

Some of the degrees look so exciting, though they same kind of excitement I&I gets from a ripe avocado. Rutgers has an online degree (BA)  for Business Administration which my new job at Home Depot would definitely pay for in part. Score. There also is a Masters Degree offered online with a concentration of either: Public and Nonprofit Performance Management or Nonprofit Management; both of which I find agreeable and relevant. 

I'm working backwards on this project, or at least a little bit askew, but I'm as excited as I could have ever hoped for. The job pays for school, life and a car. The car allows promotions and volunteering. The heightened 'quality of life' allows me to leave it all behind and pursue my mission - unabashed & most importantly, absolved. 

Rutgers is (NOT) the top choice for the moment, this moment being nearly 30 minuets in. NYU has a B.S. (couldn't help but laugh) in Leadership and Management with a concentration in International Business and Global Management - also good for the aforementioned criteria. Not so sure you can get the NYU degree done completely online, will have to do more research.

William Patterson has a online Bachelors for Liberal Arts, I like the way it looks. They specifically state: "This program can also meet the needs of transfer students with a completed AA/AS/AFA degree from a regionally accredited college or university." The concentration options for the degree seem pretty sweet also...I just found out those are called minors. Spanish, Sociology, Political Science, Religious Studies - at least my focus could also fall on something cool.

Fairleigh Dickinson has a online Bachelors and is also on a list for most affordable online college degrees but still would cost 18 Grand. Sheesh!

I was thinking about combined 5 year degrees as Seton Hall had one intriguing program for their combined 5-Year B.S./M.A. in Diplomacy and International Relations.  All of their online offerings are Graduate though.

Thomas Edison University has a extensive Bachelors and Masters online degree catalog - Criminal Justice jumped out at me, but only cause I like schooling cops. I think acceptance to either of these schools would work a little better + I wouldn't have to stress about tuition as much. (Edison wins with tuition coming in at $7,519 )

With Home Depot offering $1500 PT/ $3000 FT & $5000 Salaried tuition reimbursement

Thanks Lord! I'm grateful...for everything.

-Pie

#LoveAgenda

#YangGabbard2020

Popcorn and Chris HAyes

I spoke recently with a family member about the illusion of control. 

Even when considering getting a submission delivered for work on deadline - the illusion can be said to be strongest then. There once was a man who dropped dead at his keyboard.

Something impossible to manage or control. That’s a kicker!

Some people are so stressed out... "likely cause they don’t know what stress is." I remember one of the OG's telling me. Ohio is my best guess... maybe Florida. 

Mind has expensive tastes when it comes to the intoxication of anxiety.

I &I find for mind that most is watered down. Mind chooses top shelf and forces I&I to foot the bill. Person plays the price for Johnny Walker Green when it’s really Corn Cob.

Bullets are stressful. Poverty is stressful. Abuse is stressful. I’ve heard that if your not driven to drugs and alcohol then your not so stressed; this is also a clever operation of Mind;  Mind says. 

I hear that larger and larger numbers of Americans ‘suffer’ from Anxiety. 1 does not suffer anxiety, only Mind. Only the person suffers, Self is impervious.

When confronted with the never ending undulations of personality - the mind is like a surfer determined to catch the right wave, never getting out of the water.

I&I hear people say all the time that Prayer works- As if Prayer were an inner city ATM in a Bodega.

LOL

mike again

Hey brother, thanks for all the kind words. All apologies for the delay in response, I picked up more work at the farm this past week and kinda threw me out of whack. I have another week of extra hours this week coming up also. I loved so many things about your reply: "Our ability to interact socially undermines our ability to be social." really stuck with me as I was reflecting about that this week. I'm (for the first time in a while) considering what goals I want to accomplish. I would like to think that I'm not intimidated by fear of success, but sometimes, I must admit, I look back and I see signs of that in my own life. I've been contemplating on how 'big' I should go. I don't have any doubt that I, like most folks, could achieve at least a majority of tasks I set my mind to ... so why haven't I been I setting my sights as high as possible? Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others. I wrote out my mission statement a couple weeks ago and it sent something like this: Save The World, Kill Fear, Battle Rap. (I don't know if i told you but I've been tirelessly working on my craft, rapping) I've been thinking relentlessly on how to complete this mission, cause if I'm not doing this than what the f*** am I even here for? I wouldn't mind at all sacrificing

dancing shame

Hey My Brother :-)

Im happy you got to see your Mom! I know you and your mom are as close as me and mine - that's sweet.
Not too much on the farm end. I told you about the wwoofer switch, besides that I've been being really introspective.
I gotta challenge myself to do something big Mike. I cant walk around with this feeling like I've never pushed myself  to my full potential. When I ask : What would happen that moment you stepped into Ali's shoes? If 99% of people are not willing to do what it takes to accomplish their dream, what percentage am I in? I need to make a commitment to stay out of my own way.

I felt really corny this afternoon. Embarrassed. A long series of (not serious) events led me to understand how socially inept I am. I've never given myself to be assimilated socially. I've been living as if the entirety of the world revolved around me for 4 decades. Corny? what a wake up call..
I had a flash of a scene where someone is sitting across the table says: "Get with the program."
The word childish comes to mind. Fuck. I really am a 40 year old spoiled brat.

I've been thinking about self discipline. How to remind myself that its the only term for self love. To have self esteem to feel good about myself comes from my day to day habits. I need to take responsibility to commit to healthy practices. I don't think the universe is gonna pull another rabbit out of a hat if I fuck up again.

The only thing I can think of is focusing on humility. Use my shame to humble myself.
I promise you one thing, Im done with that ashamed feeling. From this day on.

Thanks for reading.