This Is Why I Always Bet On Black

I was intimidated.
Flat out, I was scared.
More times than not, I can say I'm not one to shy away from a good old fashioned ass-whoopin'.
I've never been one to to hold my tongue either.
Except for a few occasions...
all of which I can vaguely recall.

Anyway,

I've got a plan that I'm pretty excited for. 

A new sober life I've been praying for and training in the profession I've chosen. 

Not the profession that chose me.

I am giving myself a deadline - June 1st to November 1st.
Five Months Until Peru - 5 Months Until I can look a few choice people in the eye.
That gives me around 150 days to get my shit stuff together.

150 days to save $300 $500

150 days to get into the best shape of my life & do that impossible difficult pull-up 

150 days to help build everything exactly what the farm needs and get my sew knowledge on point 

150 days to read five ten books

150 days to speak beginners conversational Spanish

 150 days to build a working daily meditation practice

150 days to be cigarette and alcohol free independent 

7 goals - one for every day of the week

Not too much TBH

Not too much at all

Is a good mantra. I remember the song from POD. 

I remember being motivated to succeed in the workplace.

I remember being motivated to sculpt my flesh to the form I desired. 

I remember when people thought the world of me.

I remember when I thought the world of others.

I remember being a heretic and SJW.

I remember being a stark raving lunatic.

I remember when cops were afraid of confronting me. 

I remember how much Metal made me feel like I had a confidant. 

I remember drinking and cutting and drinking again.

I remember all the times when I tried to be a better person.

Like today. 

Today I'm trying my darnedest to be a better person.

A better servant.

A New Vest & Brutally Honest

Thank you I've longed for your attention since I arrived 

Liars don't like me.

People who lie

People who live a lie

There are people who love living lies...

I don't understand the term Brutal Honesty

Brutal should be associated with lying

Patrice O'neal - We were having our first heart to heart and he said to me:

"You know man,you know,you cant fuck with the truth.Be the truth.Always.Everything will roll off."

Shit, that makes sense. I been pro-verbs my whole career. About that action ya dig? And docs tell me I'm only 13 years old emotionally

13 A wise son heeds his father’s instruction,
    but a mocker does not respond to rebukes.

2 From the fruit of their lips people enjoy good things,
    but the unfaithful have an appetite for violence.

3 Those who guard their lips preserve their lives,
    but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.

4 A sluggard’s appetite is never filled,
    but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.

5 The righteous hate what is false,
    but the wicked make themselves a stench
    and bring shame on themselves.

6 Righteousness guards the person of integrity,
    but wickedness overthrows the sinner.

7 One person pretends to be rich, yet has nothing;
    another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth.

8 A person’s riches may ransom their life,
    but the poor cannot respond to threatening rebukes.

9 The light of the righteous shines brightly,
    but the lamp of the wicked is snuffed out.

10 Where there is strife, there is pride,
    but wisdom is found in those who take advice.

11 Dishonest money dwindles away,
    but whoever gathers money little by little makes it grow.

12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
    but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

13 Whoever scorns instruction will pay for it,
    but whoever respects a command is rewarded.

14 The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life,
    turning a person from the snares of death.

15 Good judgment wins favor,
    but the way of the unfaithful leads to their destruction.[a]

16 All who are prudent act with[b] knowledge,
    but fools expose their folly.

17 A wicked messenger falls into trouble,
    but a trustworthy envoy brings healing.

18 Whoever disregards discipline comes to poverty and shame,
    but whoever heeds correction is honored.

19 A longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul,
    but fools detest turning from evil.

20 Walk with the wise and become wise,
    for a companion of fools suffers harm.

21 Trouble pursues the sinner,
    but the righteous are rewarded with good things.

22 A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children,
    but a sinner’s wealth is stored up for the righteous.

23 An unplowed field produces food for the poor,
    but injustice sweeps it away.

24 Whoever spares the rod hates their children,
    but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.

25 The righteous eat to their hearts’ content,
    but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry.

"It's hard for compulsive activists to see that the vast social and economic problems of the world cannot be settled by mere effort and technique." - A.Watts

I am wondering what this is... two nights in a row. The night before last she caught me lying. Last night I seemed to make the wrong play in yelling at a dude and (I think) threatening him with a water pitcher at the waiters station. I think.

So disappointed was she. I keep thinking I have a chance in heck. When I'm there it seems like I don't get the importance of her or my actions until its too late.

At least on that big stretch of river by the train tracks and that ride to freedom I can count on myself to hide from the marauders and pillagers.

At least in the factory I can count on my skills on the roof and my ability to bank sharp or skip whole flights of steps.

With her there is so much social nuance that eludes me.

I don't know why...

I wasn't drinking...(or was I?)
I wasn't high...(or was I?)
I am sure I felt a little awkward

That must be because I don't know how to operate around people, only how to influence them - if possible. I am a Chinese budget version of Eisenheim 

possible, probable, certain in certain cases
This being one

you know you dont know nothing - stay stuntin like he know somthin - daily...

So, I've been seeing things

music and dance
water
goats
beer
silence
form
meditation
farm
questions
friends
dedication

Crazy for Christ I guess...

this is a safe place

NOTES: Original People, Dialects - Covering Water, You Know You Don't Know Nothing - ALWAYS ACTING LIKE THE MAN KNOW SOMETHING. SPLIT ME SIDES :-)
"Say it loud, I Judge and I'm ________?"
Just like that last beef

so whats it to you?
Huh, ya seen me walking across the street - and I seen it PUNK, I seen ya give me a thought...

heyheyheyheynonodont argue wit me kid now I been in this business a long time. I was catching thoughts like you back when people still ate meat!  

if you wanna get on my good side just say: "Im sorry Detective Pie, I wont be giving people the thoughts."

KID #1: (in a rushed hushed tone) "Cmon Billy! Tell da deeetect youse soughery."

KID#2 "man nwa - fuck the police man who the fuck you think you talking to nigga nigga I aint muslim I put every pig I see on a plate nigga feed every fucking cat from here to 73rd nigga fuck you call my mom, she in a meeting nigga you cant afford her consulting rates either nigga spending all your money on lawsuits ass nigga fuck the police. What? you want me to show your ranking respect? nigga you a super troopers extra nigga. yo winthrop

KID#1: (in Billy D Williams Voice) "What up Illy?"

KID#2: "this nigga got a full body back tattoo of the 1 naked gun movie poster on his back."

KID#1: Damn.

COP#1: "Nowjustwaitaminuet! 

KID#1: "this nigga got super troopers fan art tattoo on one thigh and twilight on the other. you saw what happened earlier my G..."

KID#2: "nah Illy, whatdat was?"

KID#1: "this nigga asked for my instagram."

COP#2: (*snickers*)

KID#2: "he he, you lying fam. You trying to tell me that before we got handcuffed and laid out on this trunk, that this detective pie asked you for your Instagram so he could show you his tattoos?'

KID#1: "brother, thats exactly what I'm saying."


"I mean daily nigga, this nigga out here lyin 
to these poor christian mothers on the street. Its a sight to see, had to go to service just to put in a prayer request it was such a difficult thing on my heart. thank the lord I read some scripture cause it was a savage scene...mhm. Had to use my last 2 damn minuets I got on my cell phone to call pastor Dean for I mean my nigga, keep it real -
this nigga goes overseas to lie to people man - no promises on this niggas passport
no way jose. Yo...yo...yo nesesitar taco bell
or a whole chicken and thanksgiving meal 
watch out for your pots though nigga cause I heard an old wives tale, you know jesus turned water into wine, 
well this nigga turned dish soap into piss for this one family one time...he gone now...
But yeah, yeah - you know me and my homie here pie you know we come out to see him, see the family

This nigga could have saved the children! But he was thirsty, we all get there you know. Wash that appeteche - how you spell it - down with more apateche
unless someone wants to fall in love you know I'm right there, not advance, whats clear to everyone . reflexive speak, ease seldom, cycle behavior, judgement, plebeian, prayer, silence, silence,
...is all im saying, cause you know we gotta come through and break bread. But he was thirsty...

I hear that.

You know what I'm saying my G, look you gotta hear what I gotta say to you now but I'm telling you this nigga could have saved the whole continent - DON'T YOU KNOW?!
WELL THAN 
CHECK THE NIGGA FACEBOOK IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME!
i mean goddamn nigga you getting mad at me cause YOU wasn't down with the revolution, I mean shit...well Black Power and all that to you too - I'm just saying "The Nigga Was Into Textiles."
shit, that nigga was about to be a mogul...shit...if you was there you would know I'm not lying to you I mean this nigga here...washed up on the shores of Busua as a savior here to bring you that flavor through the mic...

anyway
anyway
anyway
anyway

well how things going on your end?

I cant call it brother, got that job over in brooklyn with my brother working for that lady...

You humbd, play that for me Brooklyn Zoo...

Miss you so much Radio. you know I don't even like saying that shit but I miss you- you were the person I was most comfortable with. I was hanging out with you last night, I was talking outloud and feeling you with me. Hey, hey - my friend my friend
You would have loved it here, we could have been here
My best friend died - that's the first time this has ever happened to me
I dedicate this part in my life to you and most importantly

YOUR KING!

for NEVER has the been such a KING....

SUCH A FIECE AND MIGHTY CHAMPION OF THE SEVEN, SEAS, as this...A figure of Strength and Grace such as leave all manner of man-and-wife, children, or, farmed, creature, throughout the 216 empires in awe.

small children you take heed I have served my KING faithfully and should the opportunity present itself I offer my own life with vigor.  but alas I will never have that option. for here he lay - off of this very bridge where I buried him, in the lake. he hated water. 

WITH NO FURTHER ADO!

THE STEALER OF COOKIES, SLAUGHTERER OF BEARS

KING PIRATE OF THE SEVEN SEAS. 

loki 

maybe that's why I'm off so much energetically, it would make sense.
I've adapted. That's kinda what I do - I move and I adapt, maybe more moving...
No, I'm a different model than before. Thanks the lord for all those blasts, I couldn't have had a better time really :-) that was a wonderfully perfect last hooray and I'm so grateful you work in my life in that way. its funny how things end up like that right?

 yup, real fucking funny.

anymore?
anymore brilliant award winning content left?
Your gonna go help Steve right? That's what I would call it.

Cigarette break. Today is ... thats like 14 days clean I guess, when you round it out. you know . math and all. Nigga, you need a protractor to get the angle on the kind of good will shit I'm dropping here jack betta call up nyb cause i done booked all the math that look like fourteen days to me, shit - I can count

A Canvasser Without Eye Contact

I thought once that I was allowed to share the all the jokes.
I guess we divided those up along with our apartment all those years ago.

You know, you make a significant amount of money more than I do - and for some years now...its only fair I can avert my eyes to anything but the ground when you visit my corner store.

No change even? Damn. What you keep in your rental is probably enough to brighten up the day of a dozen people round my way.

Shoot.

Sorry.

YOUR way.

Don't forget to send some sort of proxy to the community meetings though.
Yeah, your probably right... fuck my elderly friends and the neighborhood pastor or the local elected officials dealing with gentrificat...oh, forget it.

Wish you well.
Wish I was dead.
Some say Tomato some say "I'm better than you."
Apples and burnt orange blame culture

My homie died BTW - he swore up and down you couldn't have hated me...or you wouldn't have called. Such high hopes.

Home girl, I thought you had empathy for the cats on Skid Row.

#YouCantCopyRespect

Keep showing your hand

To Fail Pull-up

Voice Notes

Harmonica 

Spanish

Farm

Reading

New Music

Saving

Interaction with Pumpkin

Be quiet, ask questions

  "...your triggering me..."

I had a dream last night.

And the night before...

and so on.

I've been loving the themes and general narratives that Mind has been giving me throughout my rest. Last night was something special though. There was a woman.

Outside a project that looked like a Motel I found her. Sitting outside like so many niggas do, there she was. Smoking on something, looking so fierce and comfortable in the Jungle - anyone with a hood pass would know to ignore her beauty. Myself, I was distracted by my van parked directly in front of her grandmothers apartment.

At first I was surprised and immediately relieved when I saw my old lost love of a Ford E250. Much less than I would have been at any other moment, like someone in suspended animation feeling elation - totally subdued with the knowledge she had accepted me.

I use the word accepted because no other synonym exists in the English language to describe the feeling she gives me. She wasn't elated nor excited. She wasn't ravenous nor dismissive. She accepted my presence. She accepted the Van was mine. She allowed me into her home. She didn't yell, laugh or cry or bitch at me when I used her grandmothers tiny bathroom with the door open.

I remember her measured tone and OG status. I remember her walking around the kitchen ignoring the fact she was born of Themyscira, looking to whip something up in the kitchen for me before she decided she had something better to do with her time. I remember how silent and strong she was - type of silence that shuts up a chatty Kathy like moi.

I remember walking towards her in the kitchen, her eyes on something else on the counter.
I remember how much that house of her Grandmothers was home the moment I laid eyes on it - the moment she laid eyes on me with that silent understanding: "Your mine." ... "Us." ...1.

She would never think" "I'm yours." And though I'm nearly certain she wouldn't get bent out of shape about me writing this, I'm so hesitant to say what she would do or not do. I don't feel comfortable with the notion of doing anything but observing. Loving. I've long forgotten about the van or the fact that it didn't have tires or blocks to hold up the rims.

It makes me somewhat...tingly. Not much, just the faintest hint of tingly. Like a adornment of lemon zest on a individual desert from some high rated Zagats restaurant. A feeling I doubt I'd have in her presence - much less her embrace. But, here -in her seeming absence...

That's actually not the feeling. That lunacy went away the moment I saw her outside chilling with her homies. I feel absolved and assured, as I would bet she did. I knew I could just be there. No hugs or feelings of longing. Just the same comfort of an abandoned ski lodge with a fire, blankets and hot chocolate.

Quite literally the woman of my dreams.

"Well, I just smoked Crack and boy are my arms tired!"

I told someone earlier - visa vie Tinder - that I don't have any spiritual path. I don't have any meditation practice either. I'm here just trying to have a laugh I said.

In the stead of using an antique diary or journal I guess I'll use the interwebs permanence to my advantage. Maybe I'll become a better typist as a result. Or maybe this venture will hinder my chances to become President or Prime Minster. I feel as though more likely these words will become a piece in the instillation of one of our great American novels. Even more likely it seems this will become a beginning to a manifesto which sparks a series of events which eventually leads to the 'peaceful' destruction of so-called 'Babylon."

I prefer paper. I keep editing these words because its electronic. I'm almost positive Id be writing completely different should I have been writing in the same book.Writing for a mythical audience of one or more. Like an invitation for a party with a +1 for a loner/loser.


Where I am.

What I'm watching.

Golden State is up by 30.

What am I to do with this time? Should be such a rhetorical question. I know what I'm going to do. My goals are as close to me as the very precise Christmas lists I would write as a child. Eagerly awaiting the top items I was sure to get, I'm tentatively excited to do the same with my own mental, physical, spiritual Christmas list. The following entries should serve to be a record of that progress - all thanks to God.

Then again, who knows, who could refuse a blast?