Just a moment ago I was in India. It was beautiful. Then a rooftop in Los Angeles.
At least when I dream about something and she’s there I have less anxiety. At least in those cases I don’t feel like as much a pariah or total embarrassment. Besides her throwing away my Calvin and Hobbes related items, she was very kind. She seemed to take an interest in why my van went missing and asked questions about my wellbeing. She offered me the pullout mattress under hers after even offering me the hospitality of her home along with her roommates.
Just like always, it was just good to see her and good to know she was doing well, as always.
I’m pulling out the mattress to sleep outside, making small talk on my way out. It seems like the best move and I’m touched that Sarah would even offer me the bed with such limited space. I make some remark about preferring the outside so I can smoke at my leisure, which is true, though I’m mostly concerned about screwing up something inside.
Roommate: “So what do you do?”
Me: “Basically, what Sarah does if I weren’t as bright and much less talented.”
I thought that was clever. I woke up and tried to shake that feeling off - this doesn’t feel anything like Love. I know what she meant now when she said ‘triggered’.
